Unhappy danio

Haha! I knew that title would catch your attention!

Yesterday was a fine day, but I was unhappy for a while. During that while, I got on the phone with a friend who noticed the unhappiness in my voice. Now, as far as I'm concerned, a little bit of unhappiness is nothing to worry about - maybe even a good sign. But I've learned that maybe I don't like people to notice that I can be unhappy. This friend has been trying to get me to feel happy since, and everytime it just reminds me that my unhappiness showed. It feels like a nagging, making me once again uneasy, irritated even.

Over the years, a number of friends have pointed out to me that I am always happy, and they are amazed at this. This was encouragement for me to work harder to make sure that I am always more and more happy, so that I can be a positive influence on others, and so that this happiness may spread around. In the process, though, I may have become attached to the idea of appearing happy to others. One of the cool things about my life in China is that many of my positive personality traits which used to stand out in the US are barely noticeable here! That's because the average Chinese person is so very mild-mannered that we barely ever discern any disagreeable behavior in each other. It's great for me, because I have to get used to not being perceived as having an excellent temper.

On the flipside, I am perpetually praised with an endless streams of compliments on other elements of myself - from talents to intelligence, etc. But that hasn't been too difficult for me, since I am not attached to having or not having those. I just keep trying to do better.

A few days ago I started a journal again. I had quit after trying three times, feeling that it just wasn't for me. The reason for my persistence was that so many of my most inspiring friends keep journals. So finally, I started using a journal for practicing my Chinese writing, and I got caught reading back through what I had written. I then understood that maybe journaling is for me after all!

Oh, and since I stopped watching stuff on my computer since I finished Lost: Season 2 a couple weeks ago, yesterday I downloaded a SNES video game I have wanted to play for the last 10 years, known as Secret of Mana 2 (never officially translated). It's so great!